I have been internationally married to a European person for the third year. Even if you are from the same country, if you marry someone who has grown up differently, you will have various conflicts. Especially when it comes to marrying someone from a different country. Here, I will talk about the content that I felt, “I don’t understand!” And “I don’t understand!”.
You have to speak up otherwise they don’t get you
They don’t read the air
Since I was little, my mother told me to “listen to one and know ten” and grew up. When people say something, they are required to understand what they need and act before they say it. It has also been taught that you should not sit alone if you are doing something around you.
But this idea doesn’t work for her husband. From the time I got married, for example, my husband was sitting and watching the news on the internet even though I was cleaning hard, and when I was preparing dinner and arranging dishes on the table. There were times when he didn’t help me at all.
”Let me know if you need me”
I was frustrated by such a husband’s attitude, and I often collided with him. Especially when we are tired of each other, I sometimes feel “Why do I have to do it?” And “Why can’t I help even though I’m moving so much?”
At that time, her husband said, “If you need help, just tell me anything.” In my husband’s way of thinking, no matter how much a couple, I can’t read my way of thinking, so I asked my husband what I needed rather than doing unnecessary things based on my own thoughts. It is more efficient for the husband to act accordingly.
If you ask, they might help you
Well, I thought at that time, but it took me some time to get used to the idea. For me, who grew up with the idea of “listening to one and knowing ten,” nothing is done unless told. It also means that I don’t feel like it, and when I’m busy, I sometimes get stuck. I once thought, “Read the air!”
However, instead, my husband will do anything if I ask. Even when my husband is busy, when she really wants help, she says “I’m sorry when I’m busy, can you help me with this?” After I realized that, I could feel free to ask her husband for help. Also, her husband will ask, “Do you have any help?”, So please do not hesitate to ask for help.
If you ask, they will keep helping you
Also, what you asked for once will be executed after that. For example, my son was born a few months ago, but we have survived with the help of two couples without going home. Now that I live in a country that is neither of my home countries, I had to take care of my newborn son, do the housework as a couple, and live.
As anyone who has taken care of a newborn baby knows, taking care of an unfamiliar baby can be a daunting task. Even if someone cooks the food, there is no time to go to the kitchen, heat the ingredients, serve them on a plate, and eat them. I managed to do it when I had a husband, but for hours when I didn’t have a husband, I couldn’t eat myself.
Also, I myself missed rice right after giving birth, so when I told my husband, “I’m grateful for something that I can easily eat when I’m alone” and “I just want rice,” I don’t say anything after that. However, he started to cook rice almost every night. There are days when I have no appetite, but even if I have a surplus, it cooks rice.
In this way, what you ask once may continue until you say, “You don’t have to do it anymore.” Thank you. I’m going to have the rice cooked for a while.
How you feel about temperature is different
Because you both are from different region…
People who grew up in cold regions are resistant to the cold. On the contrary, people who grew up in hot areas are resistant to heat. Only this sensible temperature cannot be easily changed.
My husband, who grew up in the snowy regions of Europe, is very resistant to the cold. Even in winter, I basically live on a T-shirt and a sweater. T-shirts are the norm in heated rooms. On the contrary, growing up in hot and humid Japan, I am vulnerable to the cold, and the temperature that my husband feels comfortable with is irresistible.
You have to make compromise about room temperature
As a result, the temperatures we feel comfortable with when heating and cooling are significantly different. I disagree with my husband, especially when it comes to cold weather. Even if my husband feels hot, sometimes I find it cold, especially in winter.
So even though we sleep in the same bed, the number of duvets and blankets is completely different. Even if my husband sleeps on a thin comforter, I sometimes use as many as three blankets. The Disney movie Frozen’s song has the lyrics “The cold never bother me anyway”, but when I sing this song, my husband says “No no no”.
When you take a shower
When do you want to take a shower?
Also, speaking of Japanese and foreigners, the time to take a bath or the time to take a shower is different. Japanese people basically take a bath or shower at night, but many foreigners say it in the morning or before going to work. Also, many foreigners do not take a shower on days when they do not go to work.
Of course, as long as you take a shower separately, you don’t have to arrange the time to take a shower, but I would like to go to bed in a beautiful sweaty state. However, as I mentioned earlier, my hot husband said, “I sweated while I was sleeping,” and basically I take a shower in the morning or in the daytime. I’m not dissatisfied at all, but I feel like “Isn’t it comfortable to take a shower at night?”
Take a bath at night
It’s a shower time that we can’t quite understand, but when we go back to Japan, we both take a bath at night. In Japan, there is a problem with the hot water in the bath, and at my parents’ house, I wash using the remaining hot water from the morning bath, so if I don’t take a bath at night, I miss the timing to take a bath in the first place. Therefore, if there is such a situation, my husband will not complain and take a bath at night.
By the way, my husband loves bathtubs. She likes to store hot water in a bathtub and soak it slowly, and if she goes to a hot spring while in Japan, she can’t afford to come out for three or four hours. I would like you to tell me what you are thinking about while taking a bath without getting tired of it for such a long time.
You have to try to understand each other and compromise!!
There are many things that international marriages do not understand. When I got married, I thought that I had to understand the other person, or I had to be convinced, but now I can’t understand what I can’t understand. ..
Certainly there is a difference in the way of thinking, and if the other person thinks that way, I think it is important to respect that way of thinking. You do not have to accept the idea and act accordingly. No matter how much you are a married couple, you can divide yourself into yourself and the other person.